Not married and want to stay that way!

That’s right I’m single and a mum to one very beautiful son of just over 5. I’m not married and DON’T WANT TO BE either! Really, let me repeat that I’m single and a mum and I don’t want to be married.

It has amazed me – I have found it relatively unbelievable as a matter of fact – that so many people (both men and women) are convinced that I must want to be married, therefore very actively looking for a husband! Yes, there are a number of women in my position that really would love to be married, and for many of them, for good reason because it is stressful, extremely time confusing as well as tiring, to be a single mother.

BUT – and it’s a big ‘But’ – the thought of marriage doesn’t appeal to me in the same way as it seems to a lot of others in my position. Frankly, marriage as an institution is no longer the only, or even main, road to financial, emotional and social advantage. No siree its not.

Many single women achieve great status without having a husband BUT a baby (or babies) simply completes and rounds off their lives. Being a mother is a crucial part of the psyche for many women – me included.

If I ever do decide to marry in the future – which I doubt, just cant see it happening – it will be entirely because I want to not because I need to.

Its interesting though to remember it wasn’t all that long ago that a single woman had great difficulty in (a) acquiring a house loan, in other words she needed to be married to get that loan to buy a house, (b) to be able to enjoy financial security, (c) to provide a “proper” name for the child, and otherwise get respect from the community.

And a single woman did not dare admit that she had sex, let alone that she enjoyed sex!

I feel very strongly – and shall pass on to my son – the belief that you don’t have to, and shouldn’t aim or want to, depend on someone else to have your needs met. Whatever those needs may be.

There are some family members that will make you feel a failure if you don’t have a husband, especially, if you have a child, especially a boy – well there’s many ways a mother can see that her children have some male influence in their lives – without needing to marry for it!

Let’s face it too, actually getting married doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll manage to stay that way either.

As far as my own case of deciding to consider have a child was concerned it was simply a matter of my internal biological clock’s alarm going off. I had achieved more or less what I wanted to achieve as far as my career is concerned and it suddenly hit me that I wanted to be a mother. Thought about it for a long time, didn’t jump into something too quickly, gave myself time to full percolate this life-changing decision.

KEEP IN MIND that you are not automatically being selfish by deciding to have a child as a single even though you may very well find that not only members of your family but friends, may keep telling you, that you are.

Just be sure that you go about making your decision in the right way, think very carefully about it, investigate every aspect extremely carefully. Looking at both the advantages and disadvantages of single motherhood and don’t do so through rose tinted glassed either.

Consider tapping into the many and diverse resources out there that can help you whether it is the right way to go for you and any possible future child. For instance some groups offer both talks and workshops for single women thinking of taking this momentous step.

Don’t mean to spend my time jumping onto a soap box rattling on about this but times have changed, we all need to realise that, grab our chances and go for our dreams. Yes, you’re taking a risk probably but some risks are worth taking, especially if they are calculated risks!

Will say more later especially as motherhood has added so much to my life – hope you’re interested?

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