I haven’t needed to worry too much about introducing any new boyfriends to Alphie yet as I haven’t met anyone that I have wanted to date more than casually! At the same time I don’t intend to leave thinking about the possibilities until I am deep into a new relationship.
I have received a variety of advice from friends who have had to face this situation (both from a female and male perspective).
So what do you do? What is the best way to handle things? What is the best time? What is the best place? The questions are practically endless.
I have listened to friends and learnt from them as to WHAT and WHAT NOT to do. But that is not enough so what do you do then? SO, I decided to research the variables online.
Common-sense tells us that the busy schedules of single parents, with full-time jobs, leaves little time for formal dates but many single parents somehow work through this and not only date and manage their children but fall in love all over again!
One of my friends said the three things you always need to consider when getting involved with someone new who also has kids is: (1) Adjustment, (2) Adjustment, and (3) more Adjustment!
Sometimes we can work ourselves into a lather about things needlessly though when 8 times out of 10, it so happens we need not to have been concerned at all – things seem to work out regardless. In other words sometimes bringing someone new into your kids’ lives isn’t as difficult as you may think.
Then again, it can also end up being more difficult for a whole range of different reasons (than you expected)! It’s always a good idea to expect the unexpected while at the same time not over worrying situations.
In other words you can dwell too much, too long.
One of the big problems dealing with a new partner’s kids can be jealousy – them of you and you of them – admit it it can easily go both ways.
Dealing with jealousy can be a real bugbear – and not only your kid’s jealousy towards the new person – but his kids jealousy towards you if he also is a single parent.
Some basic guidelines I have applied so far (learnt and still learning by ‘trial and error’), a few DON’T’S;
- introduce anyone to your kids too soon – take it slowly
- sacrifice kid time (you’d normally spend with your kid/s) for the buzz of the new relationship). Take things slowly.
- respond to every text from your kids during unnecessarily – it will spoil YOUR fun
- tolerate your kids being outright rude to your date/new partner
- forget to save some of your energy to enjoy an occasional day or two away – keeps the relationship fresh
- forget to give a new relationship time to grow
A friend of mine was very torn about taking her son to visit her new boyfriend but there was a great breakthrough after some rough patches with both guys vying for her attention. She saw her little boy reaching out for her boyfriends hand – a real gesture of trust wasn’t it?
But she was worried that though she knew that she could be hurt by the boyfriend leaving, she could cope with it. Whereas she wasn’t sure her son could survive more hurt from a man who left. But all is well that ends well – they are now happily married family of three.
Must go as I need to get ready for an Alphie, Me and ? date. Trying something new!